no_resignations | IC Contact

[Okay screw text; this is a talk that should have happened years ago.]

Pick up, damn you.

[Fine, then. It's too early for him to deal with anything other than getting to the point.]

Yes?

[Axel's voice may in fact be angrier than Saïx has ever heard it, though this time it's a completely different blend. There's almost something desperate about it.]

Is that what happened? Is that what happened when you didn't come out of the castle? Is that how you got your scar, Saïx--for Light's sake why didn't you ever tell me?

[Saïx, meanwhile, is unusually calm--even more so than his normal self.]

We had already lost our homes, our hearts and our names--perhaps our identities, if you would like to add that in. Did you truly need to hear the story of what little I remember of that day, as well?

Do you really think any of that matters? I could have lived without Radiant Garden, without my parents, my home, I didn't need any of that so long as I had my best friend. So long as I had you, you bastard--but you couldn't even let me have that, could you? I lost my best friend ten years ago--Isa died the day Garden fell and I don't know why I bothered to hope he would ever come back.

[There's a beat of silence, and you can almost hear him grinding his teeth together. The next words are barely audible, spoken through a clenched jaw with eyes squeezed closed.]

You had to keep all your secrets to yourself, you selfish son of a bitch! We both suffered; you were the one who insisted we do it alone and in silence.

[Saïx is silent for a good while. He's just taking the blows. But then, finally, he speaks.]

...Perhaps I should rephrase: did you truly need to know that Isa suffered greatly in his last hours before his heart was then left, abandoned in a crumbling castle?

[He could go on. Recount how, even after the sealing and healing of the incisions along his torso, where they were still hurt--how he was trapped and couldn't even begin to try to outrun the dark creatures as they ripped and clawed him to shreds as they all fought over him and his heart. But even that's too cruel. Axel doesn't need to know the details--Saïx can't tell him. Perhaps he's too "sentimental" in respect to Axel, but he doesn't want that weight to be needlessly heaped on the other's shoulders.]

[And the response is all but a hiss.]

Is it so surprising that I might have wanted to?

And then what? You would feel even more guilty?

[The only sign Saïx is angry. That he's to the point.]

[There's a long pause and a couple of false starts here. Axel genuinely doesn't know what to say, and that's a rare thing. Saïx always was about the only person who could really stun him into silence. Usually because he was right, and Axel couldn't refute him no matter how he might want to.

[More grinding of teeth and Axel shakes his head, as if Saïx could see it.]

That would imply that you believed I felt guilty in the first place. That I felt anything. You were the one who told me I wouldn't--why should you have cared? How could you have?

[He's not shouting anymore; his voice is a low, level growl.]

Just-- You know what? Forget it. I dunno why I even keep trying.

If you weren't "feeling" guilty, then why is it you called so swiftly?

[He doesn't care how right now. He's exhausted. Axel's always seemed to have some strange ability to experience the very edges of emotions, at the least.]

Were you "worried?" Afraid, perhaps? Even in your curiosities, is it not true you take your time to make sure that everything will work out favorably for you if you can?

[And finally, after a bit, he sighs.]

...You are correct in saying that Isa died that day. And if you still insist on knowing what happened, I'll tell you.

[Axel is about to snarl and hiss and gnash his teeth some more at Saïx's posturing--he hates it when he uses that tone of voice, that pithy, patronizing sound... Axel's sure he doesn't need a heart to resent it, because he's resented it since the first time he heard it. Before he can get his tongue to articulate his indignation, however, Saïx's tone changes and Axel's anger dies in his throat.

[Suddenly he's just... exhausted. Axel doesn't really do anger; he finds it far too taxing. It's so much easier to just pretend he doesn't feel, can't feel, but he knows it isn't true. His throat aches, he feels like everything behind his breastbone is just collapsing in on itself, and he's not even sure that anything can fix it anymore. He almost wishes he'd stayed blissfully unaware of what had happened to his old friend. Like Saïx said, he does feel guilty. If only he hadn't been thrown out alone, if only he'd stayed closer, if only they hadn't been separated, maybe he could have saved Isa. Maybe neither of them would have wound up where they are. Was it all his fault?

[Is it all his fault?]

It... doesn't matter now. [He presses a hand over his face, shaking his head.] It won't change anything. I saw... felt enough of it. If you want to tell me now, ten years later, I won't stop you.

[It won't change anything. It can't change anything. Really, he can't feel any more guilty than he already does.]

What happened is in the past, Axel. Isa is gone, though his final hours weren't completely without light. You should not blame yourself for something you couldn't have hoped to stop in the first place.

[It's cold, but the closest Axel will get to comforting words from him. But it's also close to the truth, masking what he wants to say but will never be able to say outright: Isa never blamed him. Isa was happy that Lea wasn't subjected to the same thing.]

There's a lot of things I shouldn't do. Shouldn't have done.

[And then he makes a sibilant noise.]

I don't take orders from you anymore, though.

Don't tell me what to feel. What not to feel. Don't tell me not to be sorry that my best friend died ten years ago.

Don't ask me to give up on him.

You know better.

You of all people know better.

[He takes a deep breath and holds it a moment, then exhales silently. His voice is stiff.]

You should go back to bed. If you get sick again I'm not picking up your slack.

[He won't comment as to how stubborn Axel is being. That would only cause a fight.]

...I never go back to sleep after that nightmare.

Have it your way.

[He hesitates, frowns, and then shakes his head.]

At... least we know now. Better late than never.

[You know I waited. I know you never blamed me. And maybe that's enough.]

See you at work tomorrow.

Indeed.

[As to which part he's speaking about... That's up to Axel's interpretation.]

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